First I would like to say how incredibly appreciative I am of everyone who helped contribute to this blog. It wouldn't have amounted to hardly anything at all if it weren't for you! Even though this was just some website, and everything I wrote and read was just philosophical inquiries and musings, it all had a lasting and tangible repercussions within my life. I can honestly say I would not be the person I am today had I not had this blog. I would especially like to say thank you to James, Mariposa, Terrin, and most of all, the Philosopher King, Benji Rafe Pacheco. What an amazing run we had. We took a crack at changing the world, fixing it, becoming the saviors of it all, and in the end I think the greatest progress we made was in progressing ourselves. I still think it is incredible how much we accomplished, and it makes me happy to know that this is just a small bit of what we will achieve in the remainder of our lives. My future always seems a little bit brighter because I know of the brilliance and the passion that is out there in us individuals.
I would also like to give a small update on my life. I say small and I already know it is a lie, I always like to overexaggerate. I will begin by satisfying one of the greatest mysteries that may be on your mind if you happen to chance by this blog again.. Why I stopped blogging in the first place.
My last blog was February 23, 2009. At the time I was somewhat in the middle of a relationship with this girl. I say "this girl" but she has played such a lasting impact on me. We first started dating freshmen year, she lives down the street from me. I fell for her very, very hard. We really loved each other, and the longer it went on, the more obsessed I became. Under the surface though, there were issues. We doubted each other, to an extent, at least I doubted her. I think when you are so passionate about another human being, its becomes almost impossible for you to show it. I think we feared each other, there was so much feeling, we were afraid to just love each other for fear of how vulnerable we became. This fear is what created the blog in the first place. I think that "thought" is really an extension of flight-or-fight mode, and I was constantly afraid, so my mind was always working. I am not nearly as smart now as I was when I was writing this blog. "Jaerixon" was finally getting underway when I discovered she had cheated on me in November 2008. It was nothing too severe, but enough to seriously hurt me. Yet in the face of everything, I couldn't leave her. We tried for months to fix our relationship, I was waiting, so was she.
Inside I was slipping. Nothing made any sense to me, all I could think was to try and control everything, do whatever it takes to gain power over the entire world so that I could never be hurt. Following the last blog entry, something happen between me and my girl, and I snapped. I seriously turned inside out after this, it was awful. I had never really known heartbreak, and it hit me like a freight train of rusty nails. I had never been in more emotional pain in all my life. This is when and why I stopped blogging. I expected that someday when I was better I would go back, but I realized that the blog was a manifest of my fear and cruelty. I almost thought of "Jaerixon" as my alter ego, I smart, cruel, efficient form of me. I blamed him for my relationship falling apart. So I stopped.
In recent years, I have worked on the other end of the spectrum. At the end of sophomore year, I had straight A's in every class. At the end of junior year, I had nearly failed every class. Sophomore year I had already planned where I was going to go to college, what I was going to major in, and what career I was going to go to. Junior year I planned not to attend college, I wanted life to by a mystery. You see, I had been running from my fears for so long, trying to use my grades and my philosophy as a means of protecting myself from the turmoil of life, I had never confronted any of it. Junior year that all changed. I confronted everything. Alcohol, drugs, school, the order of things. It was one of the most thereaputic movements I think I have ever done, because now, I wasn't afraid. I could see clearly. I could relax.
Now I am a senior. My high school experience has been wild to say the least. I am a leader now, or at least I try to be. I am generally happy. I was runner-up for Homecoming King. I will be attending the University of Central Florida in the fall, and I am going on a 6 week trip to Europe for my senior trip in the summer. I live to grow, to feel excitement, to put a smile on my face. At the end of it all I have no regrets. I know someday, I will make something of myself, perhaps not in the eyes of the world, but definitely in the eyes of my own heart.
This is the end of this blog. I will make no more posts on here. I'm hoping to start another soon, one of much different character. Thanks again to all of you!!!
and yes, there is somebody listening!
